Disciplining a toddler is a lot like juggling sticks of dynamite, you never know when it’s going
to go according to plan or when it’s going to blow up in your face.
How do we remain calm as the toddler puts on an award winning theatrical performance on
the kitchen floor or even worse, the middle of the supermarket?
Tantrums are one of the trademarks of a toddler and quite normal for this age. Toddlers are
perceptive and smart and the tantrum is designed to elicit the most reaction that they can get
from you.
Once the tantrum starts, its length and intensity depends entirely upon the reaction the
toddler gets from you.
Centre stage is a strong willed toddler, who cannot get what he desperately wants. It is
probably something that seems very important to him. He assesses the situation and sees
that you are not giving in and so he launches into a spectacular performance. The
performance requires an audience and he will look over his shoulder to make sure you are
watching. The more you react, the more the tantrum escalates.
Tantrums start around the first birthday and are regular occurrences throughout the toddler
years. Tantrums in the young toddler usually happens because they don’t know any better or
they feel hugely frustrated with not being able to communicate their wants and needs
coherently.
In older toddlers, the 3 to 4 year old age group, tantrums can be more intentional, used as a
way to specifically irritate mom and dad.
While younger toddlers run out of steam quite quickly and the tantrum is short lived, the
older toddler can carry on for long periods and the tantrum can build in intensity.
What to do:
Many parents feel frustrated and helpless because no matter what they do, they cannot
seem to reason with their toddler or stop the tantrum. Many parents feel embarrassed when
the toddler throws tantrums in public, having to deal with the toddler and onlookers is not
pleasant.
The way you deal with the tantrum depends on the age of the child, where it is happening
and the reason for the tantrum.
Before the age of 2, when there is not much thought or reason behind tantrums, it is best to
just divert the child. For example, the child is on the floor screaming, you could divert by
saying… ‘Look, I think that may be daddy, I heard a car, let’s go and look. When of cause it’s
not daddy, but the child is now quiet and walking with you, you can say… ‘Oh dear it isn’t
daddy, he is still on his way, but let’s look at all the cars passing by, how many cars are
there, I see a blue car’… and so forth.
It is different for a 3 year old. At this age they can use a tantrum just too openly defy the
parent’s authority. This is not acceptable and must be dealt with firmly, using discipline to
diffuse the tantrum.
Techniques for calming a tantrum:
Diversion – The first thing with any age is to divert their attention to something else
they will find more interesting.
Ignoring – Should diversion not work, walk away to another section of the room
where you can still keep an eye on the child, but do not make eye contact. Pretend to
be ignoring the child. You can sing, wash the dishes or fold laundry, just do not give
the child any attention until he calms down and approaches you calmly. Now you
may think this will never happen, however as soon as the toddler sees he is not
getting any reaction from you, he will in most cases stop and come to you for comfort
and hugs. In this case forgive and forget, give him a hug and move on, do not praise
him for stopping as that may warrant another outburst. What he did was wrong, you
want to show the child that you love him and forgive him, but gushing at this point
sends the wrong message.
Time out- If the above does not work and your toddler is kicking you, screaming and
going crazy, move to time out. Before you lose your grip, it’s time to put some space
between yourself and the toddler. Gently lift him up and take him to his room or
wherever time out is, be serious, not angry or aggressive and tell the toddler that he
is to stay in his room and he can only come out once he has calmed down. Then
leave the room swiftly and wait.
Once the fireworks are done and the child comes out, forgive and forget, remember
its futile reasoning with a toddler.
When out in the supermarket, go down to the child’s level and tell them that you want them
to stop this behavior now, or you will leave immediately and he won’t have the privilege of
coming to the shops with you again. In severe cases you may actually need to leave your
trolley and take the child home immediately. If you do this once, the child will know that you
mean business and future outings will be easier.
The basic steps that parents can follow include diversion, selective deafness, selective
blindness and time out. It is very important to remember that the biggest mistake you can
make is to give in to the child’s manipulation and dramatic antics. You will end up reinforcing
the very behavior you want to change.
All of this must be executed calmly with love and gentleness. We must not forget that
toddlers are still learning to control their behaviours and we are the adults, we need to model
the correct behaviour for them.
The good news is that tantrums usually stop at around 4 years old, it does not last forever.