Raising happy, well-behaved children does not mean that you have to be a control freak. The long term aim is to develop self- discipline and self-control in your child. This means allowing them to make mistakes and then guiding them.
Discipline is not about punishment or pain, it’s about guiding, rewarding and encouraging good behaviour.
Discipline should be something positive and not confused with punishment.
Discipline is something that can be imposed on us from outside or it can come from within i.e. self-discipline. Naturally, a toddler cannot practice self-discipline yet, we as parents and teachers need to guide the toddler. Good discipline starts in the home and then prepares the child for a smooth transition into school.
It will impress no one if a child’s academics is like a baby genius but his behaviour is like a baby tyrant.
The word discipline in the dictionary means: ‘The practice of teaching or training.’ The word disciple in Latin means learner, someone who is ready to learn a set of rules or a code of behaviour.
If we think of discipline in this way, it takes the fear of punishment out of the equation. As parents and teachers, we are here to teach our children right from wrong and that smart choices and bad choices either have positive or negative consequences.
When the children go to big school they will be expected to sit still, listen and follow instructions, share and behave. At a preschool-age they are ready to start taking some responsibility for their own affairs, we can help this process by loosening the reins a bit, allowing them a little freedom of choice. This allows the child to feel the consequences of their own smart or bad choices. This is a learning opportunity we must afford them, within safe boundaries.
Before the age of 2, our children do not purposefully behave deviously, aggressively or nastily. Their actions and behaviour just lack thought. They will need to be guided into what is acceptable behaviour. A lot of this will be taught through our own behaviour that we model for the children.
Sometimes excessive strictness will result in a child who appears to be compliant on the surface, but underneath the surface is the potential for resentment and rebellion. Children raised in a military strict environment will only behave well while the threat of intimidation is present, once they get older, they rebel. These children often become teenagers who rebel by having crazy parties and boozing up while parents go away for the weekend. The threat is removed for that weekend. In this case, it’s clear to see that discipline was imposed on this child and the child has not mastered self-discipline.
No matter what form of discipline you decide to practice, children will carry these practices into their adulthood and these attitudes will surface in their own parenting.
A starting point:
Communicate clearly: In order for discipline to be effective we need to be clear and let the toddler/ preschooler know exactly what is expected of them. Get down to their eye level, so they don’t feel intimidated and use your eyes and tone of voice to convey the seriousness of your message. Your tone should be firm and not intimidating. In this way, they have your undivided attention. Use simple phrases and not big words that they cannot understand. Keep it simple and short, so that there is no confusion around what is expected.
Be consistent: Consistency is key. There needs to be only 1 set of rules and the child needs to know that the rules remain the same every day. Imagine if the speed limit on the roads were changed daily, without prior notice, you would be so confused and you wouldn’t know when you are following the rules or breaking them. This is how children feel when there is a lack of consistency. Both parents need to be on the same page as this also talks to consistency. Each parent cannot have a separate set of rules.
Structure and routine: children thrive on routine, it makes them feel safe and secure. Building a routine supports your discipline efforts. It makes life easier for parents and toddlers. Don’t think that the toddler is bored by routine, it is really quite the opposite.
Be positive: Discipline is most successful when delivered positively. Believe in your approach and deliver it gently, calmly, confidently and with love. Your confidence and belief in your ability to make it work transmits to the child. This does not mean you need to shout or be loud, it just means be confident and firm. Positive parents are powerful people.
Points to remember:
- Don’t nit-pick. Choose your battles.
- Avoid escalation, rather distract or divert.
- Once an incident is dealt with, it’s finished, don’t revisit it.
- Avoid too much negativity i.e. overusing the word ‘NO’, or negative comments. Try and put a positive spin on the way you phrase things.
- It takes 2 to tango, if you step back and gain perspective and then approach the situation calmly, the situation will de- escalate. Even the most gifted toddler cannot fight with himself.
- Don’t take your toddlers’ behaviour personally.
In conclusion, we must not forget that we are adults, our children have underdeveloped emotional intelligence and they take the lead from us. Young children want to be good and are happiest when they know what is expected from them. Be clear, keep it simple and be consistent.