Disciplining a toddler is a lot like juggling sticks of dynamite, you never know when it’s going to go according to plan or when it’s going to blow up in your face.
How do we remain calm as the toddler puts on an award-winning theatrical performance on the kitchen floor or even worse, the middle of the supermarket?
Tantrums are one of the trademarks of a toddler and quite normal for this age. Toddlers are perceptive and smart and the tantrum is designed to elicit the most reaction that they can get from you.
Once the tantrum starts, its length and intensity depend entirely upon the reaction the toddler gets from you.
Centre stage is a strong-willed toddler, who cannot get what they desperately want. It is probably something that seems very important to them. They assess the situation and sees that you are not giving in and so they launch into a spectacular performance. The performance requires an audience and they will look over their shoulders to make sure you are watching. The more you react, the more the tantrum escalates.
Tantrums start around the first birthday and are regular occurrences throughout the toddler years. Tantrums in young toddlers usually happen because they don’t know any better or they feel hugely frustrated with not being able to communicate their wants and needs coherently.
In older toddlers, the 3 to 4-year-old age group, tantrums can be more intentional, used as a way to specifically irritate mom and dad.
While younger toddlers run out of steam quite quickly and the tantrum is short-lived, the older toddler can carry on for long periods and the tantrum can build in intensity.
What to do:
Many parents feel frustrated and helpless because no matter what they do, they cannot seem to reason with their toddler or stop the tantrum. Many parents feel embarrassed when the toddler throws tantrums in public, having to deal with the toddler and onlookers is not pleasant.
The way you deal with the tantrum depends on the age of the child, where it is happening and the reason for the tantrum.
Before the age of 2, when there is not much thought or reason behind tantrums, it is best to just divert the child. For example, if the child is on the floor screaming, you could divert by saying… ‘Look, I think that may be daddy, I heard a car, let’s go and look. When of cause it’s not daddy, but the child is now quiet and walking with you, you can say… ‘Oh dear it isn’t daddy, he is still on his way, but let’s look at all the cars passing by, how many cars are there, I see a blue car’… and so forth.
It is different for a 3-year-old. At this age, they can use a tantrum just to openly defy the parent’s authority. This is not acceptable and must be dealt with firmly, using discipline to diffuse the tantrum.
Techniques for calming a tantrum:
- Diversion – The first thing with any age is to divert their attention to something else they will find more interesting.
- Ignoring – Should diversion not work, walk away to another section of the room where you can still keep an eye on the child, but do not make eye contact. Pretend to be ignoring the child. You can sing, wash the dishes or fold laundry, just do not give the child any attention until he calms down and approaches you calmly. Now you may think this will never happen, however as soon as the toddler sees they are not getting any reaction from you, they will, in most cases stop and come to you for comfort and hugs. In this case forgive and forget, hug him and move on, do not praise him for stopping as that may warrant another outburst. What they did was wrong, you want to show the child that you love him and forgive him, but gushing at this point sends the wrong message.
- Time out – If the above does not work and your toddler is kicking you, screaming and going crazy, move to time out. Before you lose your grip, it’s time to put some space between yourself and the toddler. Gently lift them and take them to their rooms or wherever time out is, be serious, not angry or aggressive and tell the toddler that they have to stay in their room and they can only come out once they have calmed down. Then leave the room swiftly and wait.
- Once the fireworks are done and the child comes out, forgive and forget, remember it’s futile reasoning with a toddler.
When out in the supermarket, go down to the child’s level and tell them that you want them to stop this behaviour now, or you will leave immediately and they won’t have the privilege of coming to the shops with you again. In severe cases, you may need to leave your trolley and take the child home immediately. If you do this once, the child will know that you mean business and future outings will be easier.
The basic steps that parents can follow include diversion, selective deafness, selective blindness and time out. It is very important to remember that the biggest mistake you can make is to give in to the child’s manipulation and dramatic antics. You will end up reinforcing the very behaviour you want to change.
All of this must be executed calmly with love and gentleness. We must not forget that toddlers are still learning to control their behaviours and we are the adults, we need to model the correct behaviour for them.
The good news is that tantrums usually stop at around 4 years old, it does not last forever.